A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
