On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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