She is in my trunk
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
