Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize