What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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