I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
