I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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