i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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