Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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