he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
40s are totally the cure
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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