You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
