Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
