Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
COCAINE IS GR8
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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