I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
