Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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