I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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