Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
