shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
