I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
