i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
