i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
