Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
