"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
