Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
