My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
