apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
