Betty ford says i'm here all night
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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