Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
