You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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