I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
