I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
