I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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