I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
