dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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