Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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