Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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