i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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