totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
