Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You did what with his pubic hair?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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