he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
