i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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