I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
