Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
