she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
It was confusing and full of hummus
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
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