I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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