I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
