Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
