Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
