If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
