Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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