you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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