I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just found puke in my bra..
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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