Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
