How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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