I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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