I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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