omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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