if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
