If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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