She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
