I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
