Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
