Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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