i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize