tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
